Introduction: Hi, my name is Olivia Bowden, author and founder of social enterprise Body Image Coach. We are a team of coaches, therapists and volunteers, supporting teenagers with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder.
The question: how can I respond to my child when they shame themselves, comes up a lot, so thought I would offer some tips.
Navigating this issue can be challenging, and it's completely understandable if you feel overwhelmed, as if anything you say might be incorrect or provoke a negative response. In truth, your child might be hoping for you to produce the perfect solution like magic, but often, that's unattainable because we lack the knowledge of what to say to alleviate their distress. If you would like support for your child, ask them to fill out this survey, it takes a few minutes and only we can see and assess their answers:
If your child is having difficulties with their body image, here are five supportive statements you can offer them.
#1 – Validation.
Instead of responding, offer validation. For example:
Child: "I look fat, my belly sticks out, I hate my body."
Parent: "I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I can see how much it's upsetting you, and it must be very hard to deal with these feelings."
Note that in this instance, we are not offering a response or reaction; we are providing validation. of their feelings. When you validate, your child feels heard and understood.
#2 – Avoid telling them they are beautiful or handsome.
Saying things like "oh don’t be silly, you are beautiful, handsome, etc." can create a false standard of appearance. It's not necessary to fit conventional standards of beauty or handsomeness. When such compliments are given, it may imply a need to conform to societal expectations. Instead, affirm that their body and face is perfectly natural, as it should be and unique to them, and they are loved for who they are, exactly how they are. Clarify that being beautiful, or handsome is a mindset, and the beauty standards set by the media are not benchmarks to attain. We can achieve this state of mind with what we have, right where we are.
#3 – Exploration.
If you're both at ease, consider asking your child open-ended questions like:
How do you wish to appear?
What do you think changing your appearance would achieve?
Are your self-expectations realistic?
Engage in a dialogue to determine if they require additional support.
Be curious about them as well as non-judgmental about their answers.
#4 – Offer options, not solutions.
Have you ever faced a problem and exhausted all possible solutions, yet nothing seems to work, leaving you with no choice but to endure it? Then, to make matters worse, everyone around you starts suggesting solutions you've already attempted, which only serves to exacerbate your frustration. The same applies to your child's issues. They don't seek solutions; they seek comfort.
For instance:
Child: "I look fat, my belly sticks out, I hate my body.
Incorrect approach: "Why don't you wear this top today? It's baggy and comfortable."
Better alternatives: "What can we do to help you feel more comfortable with your body? Perhaps we could:
- Start a wellbeing course together to address this?
- Find some books on 'accepting your body and finding happiness'?
- Consider support from a coach?"
#5 – Distraction.
Is your child excessively engaging with mirrors, scales, food, or social media?
Body shaming often begins with negative self-talk. The more one entertains thoughts like ‘I am ugly,’ the more they seek evidence to support this belief. To interrupt this cycle, it's crucial to engage in healthier activities. For instance, a person quitting smoking may experience cravings for about 20 minutes; however, if they distract themselves, these cravings typically subside. Over time, the cravings diminish. The process of overcoming body shaming follows a similar pattern.
Consider the origin of your child's negative thoughts. If they are spending excessive time on activities that fuel such thoughts, like checking mirrors or using social media, it's important to remove these influences and provide alternative distractions until the urge fades.
For example:
If your home has many mirrors that prompt your child to scrutinize their appearance, leading to negative thoughts, consider removing 70% of the mirrors. Instead, engage your child in outdoor activities to divert their attention from mirror checking.
If you suspect your child is facing difficulties, encourage them to complete our brief survey, which will be reviewed confidentially. We can then determine if they require support and what form it should take:
We are always available to support your child through their challenges. Schedule a 15-minute complimentary call with us to discuss your child's concerns and how our support can be tailored to their needs.
We are a not for profit social enterprise which offers an online healing programme for teenagers through animated workshops, coaching, and therapy. We are proud to be rated 'excellent' on Trust Pilot - here!
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